Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I have been quite introspective this weekend. I think the question of whether or not I should got to Thailand has really raised a few important issues. I am happy to report that I did get paid today and I am exactly on target budget-wise. That's something I feel great about. There are a few things I would like to deal with, and this is just me dealing with me.

Discipline

I think consistency is only possible with a good sense of discipline. It is no good running every day if you are not sleeping every night. I think I am capable of a good degree of discipline, but I think when I become fatigued I am not always as clear on what should be ruled out. So next week, particularly in lieu of the fact that I am pursuing an Ironman, I would like to get back to decent sleeping patterns. I think I will cut down on the computer games, and scouring the news sites for information that is not really in my circle of influence. I will also be more disciplined with regard to diet.

The Waiting Game

Funnily enough this thought occurred to me at the swimming pool. One of the reasons I think I am not as chirpy now, on a day to day basis, as I was when I was a kid (and I really was a happy bubbly chatterbox of a little boy) is the humiliation I endured growing up. Maybe I am to blame for how I coped with it. Maybe I could have grinned more while it was happening. But if I look at times I was really happy I can point to two periods. One, up until the age of about 13 (ie pre-braces), and the second between 20 and about 26 (ie post braces and pre-baldness).

I realise that my strategy when I was a teenager was to simply wait it out. That's terrible. What a lot of time I wasted, and opportunities! My mindset was there will always be more where that came from. There would always be girls and dances, soccer and hockey teams, so once I was rid of the wires in my mouth, then I could try all that again. In the meantime, wait. Well, what happened. I ended up waiting 7 years! I really did. I didn't do nothing in that time, but it is fair to say that I didn't really get involved, I wasn't 100% there. I was kind've moving myself into the background. And I kind've felt I was put there too. Maybe it was both.
And it took me a while to realise that I am doing the same thing now, kind've hiding away, biding my time, not really getting involved because now I'm going bald. It's not a huge issue for me, but I am aware of it. And I guess I am aware that it is having some effect. I wouldn't say the impact is anything like when I had braces, although if I had to choose between being bald or braces, I'd go for the braces. Actually, that's a tough one if we're talking about the external braces. The difference is, this is never going away.

I am maybe entering the third happy period now, although I don't feel nearly the quality of bliss during the first two. I think I am moving in that direction, I don't think I am in it though. After all, I am still a single white (bald) guy, but I can also say I have matured quite a lot, and grown to understand myself and the complexity surrounding who I am and why I react to certain things. And I am doing pretty OK financially, which is something I couldn't say just a handful of years ago. And I am not that self conscious about it. Some people are fine with it and I have grown to be fine with it some of the time too. I guess I realised I am not perfect. So in a way it's a good thing.
And, I mean, I don't wear a hat everywhere I go. I just feel a bit unlucky that this is like the third DEATHBLOW to me, to really ruin my daily joyfulness. Third after my braces and what happened to my mom. Obviously it isn't that bad. I don't have a terminal illness. I'd just like to walk around outside glowing, and shining. I wish girls came onto me now the way they did when I was 24. In that department it is fair to say that I have noticed quite a definite change. But it is also fair to say I am not quite as cool and yummy, blonde locks aside, as the golden days.

I sometimes feel that I don't feel like I can be that guy, and that's the feeling I want to address. I think baldness for a guy is like boobs for a woman. Men care about boobs, and women care about hair. But if a women has less than perfect boobs and she is totally aware of it all the time, then that's going to be really boring for the guy. The guy will make the most of it, whether he has a mouthful, or a handful, or an armful to work with. So I don't think the issue is about baldnes, it's about confidence. I am not really that concerned about it except to say that I feel it does prevent me from really engaging socially as much as I otherwise would. And the 'it' needs to be replaced by 'my confidence in this area'. That's the solution. I will just endeavour to be positive and not give credit to people who are totally meretricious.

I am right on budget, so financially speaking I ought to be happy. I actually feel frustrated in that department, because I have the capacity to do so much now, to travel the world, to go to Thailand to do a race, to stop waiting, and get living, but simultaneously I feel I realise I need to remain disciplined with money. I also feel frustrated because I could have been much further along the road had I only known a few things that I know now! But that is a different story. The issue now is this: Going away for a R5000+ weekend is not disciplined. And to go just to demonstrate I can, just to live a little (and one weekend is a little) for the break of it, is probably not a financial step forward. Especially when cheaper flights leave on a Wednesday. It's just too bad that I can only leave on a Friday when there are no direct flights. But I can enjoy the sun and the sea a little later, and it will probably be all the sweeter. So maybe this is just a question of delaying gratification.

I also think the Ironman training provides a great lesson to me in that it is OK to start small. That starting over is also OK. That having a dream, that attaching yourself to something difficult, or someone you care for, brings meaning to my life. That starting small is OK, as long as I keep building. Keep keep building. And don't be disheartened. Have an identity that flourishes, that is flexible, that always sees something good, something useful in a situation. Quit waiting, quit worrying about the past, quit focusing on stuff I can't change. I can start doing what I can do, whether it is another run, another small job, writing something or going to meet someone somewhere I haven't been before. I need to have the attitude that if I continue to take small steps, if I continue to improve in every area, then in time I'll be doing an Ironman, I'll be able to do more, I'll move closer to finding what is important to me, and who is important. My discipline and consistency is what gets me walking on the moon above my dreams.

Obviously there are some things I cannot change, so then I can concentrate on what I can. In terms of appearance, I can wear nice clothes, wear a friendly smile, be friendly, work on my physique, have an identity that is based more on who I am as a person than only what I look like.

Strategies

One of the key areas in the Ironman is the mindgame. This is an area I can excel at, but I don't consistently.
Next week I will not:
Read the news, play computer games or watch TV for more than 2 hours total a day.

What I will do is:
1) Go on a 7 day mental diet
- try not to hold a negative thought for 7 days
- notice what is great in a situation
- rebuff any and every negative thought with a positive, including something actually said
- focus on what I do have instead of what I don't have
- if I don't complete a full 7 days, I have to start again next Monday

2) Get into a good sleep pattern

3) Eat healthy food. Less coke, less juice, more water.

4) Financially - be on the look out for opportunities to save, and don't be impulsive in this department

5) Be creative - here I can especially look at continuing with the children's stories I've started, finish a few more pictures, look in new places for work. But also in terms of managing time, and finding interesting and different ways to finish my last 5 weeks in Korea.

Overall, I need to find different levels of success, and continue to look for ways to achieve constant and never ending improvements. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over in the hope of getting a different result.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most handsome guy around here?
Not you.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fastest guy in the pool around here?
Brick by brick...