Breast Intentions

It’s time to give boobs everywhere, a hand
by Nick van der Leek

It’s possible that after watching Tsotis, men have finally begun to realise what boobs are really meant to do. And, taking the cue from Tsotsi, perhaps boobs ought to be left for babies and their mahmies. Of course, that’s never going to happen.

In Me, Myself and Irene, Jim Carrey (or one of his alter egos) sees a hot blonde breastfeeding on a bench outside a shopwindow. The next thing, he has slotted himself in position, and is helping himself to a warm milkshake. It’s obvious that breasts are hardwired into mens brains. Once, as babes, they’ve had their mouthfuls, they spend the rest of their lives coming back for more.

Breasts are being pushed out of bras at a belt bursting rate. Not since the Victorian era, not since corsets, has this much human mammary been on display. And for men and women, it’s still not enough. Men want more, and women want to be bigger. Even in usually conservative Bloemfontein, the girls are following the philosophy that more, is more. Brunettes want to be like Salma Hayek, or Angelina Jolie, and blondes want to be like Britney or Pam.

I was at the entrance of a local gym today when a svelte blonde, in black, sidled up the stairs. It was hard to pretend not to look, even with my girlfriend standing right in front of me. She said, “Why don’t you go and chat to her?” I responded: “Well, I’d just be afraid her breasts would spill all over me.” They really did look ready to blurt out something, and if they didn’t, I was afraid that I might.

While I’m not complaining, it does make me wonder. A friend of mine, now divorced, was married to a beautiful girl who insisted on having her breasts enlarged. When he told her he loved her the way she was, she said “I’m doing it for me.”
Many women are, and the results are not always flatten – er – flattering. There is something to be said for the natural flame of youth, and when it passes, no matter how tight and deflated/inflated certain aspects of the body have become, you can tell just how old a person is. There is also something very unattractive about someone who just looks so old under tight, plastic skin and too much sun.

I’m from the old school. I believe physical fitness is the best way to make a body sexy. Jamie Lee Curtis, who believed she didn’t have much to work with (in terms of her face) decided to do what she could with her body. Now, it seems, the body is something to be stuffed with silicon and branded with tattoos. I prefer fresh air and a swimming pool, or the open road

While breasts – even small ones – do it for me, I have to admit, they were actually meant for another more practical purpose (than squeezing, juggling and snuggling between). And have you ever tasted breast milk? Um…(I’m told, ha ha) it’s pretty gross. I think it’s time even the breast’s intentions be returned to the bra, and sleeping dogs (that’s us) ought to be allowed to lie down for a while.