The Moffie Enigma

Once upon a time there was a moffie. Well, there were a bunch, but as far as this particular moffie was concerned, he was the only moffie in the whole wide world (how sad and melodramatic), he wasn't even if sure if he was a moffie, and he wasn't sure if he was really a he. So that's how it started - quite complicated.

Over time, the moffie realised that for sure, he was a he, and he was a moffie. He felt flattered that guys flattered his butt, and liked to think guys thought he was hot, and slim. If girls thought so, bonus.

The problem was, and here we are coming to the moffie enigma par excellance, he couldn't quite get his head around the fact that what two moffies actually do is kind've, well, disgusting. If you saw two dogs doing that you'd probably yell at them. Mense. And this meant you couldn't go around wearing a t-shirt saying, "I'm a moffie and proud of it." If you wanted a high paying, high flying job, and people knew about all this funny stuff, well, maybe they wouldn't want you working for them. Remember that movie Philadelphia?

So here's the moffie enigma in a nutshell. You want straight people to think you're straight. But you also want gay people to know for damn sure you're gay (because they're few and far apart, and you need to catch them wherever they are). So you might wear an earing, and comb your hair funny, and stay really really thin and trim (gay guys love the prepubescent boy look, or the little prince), and do girl stuff. Except when it suits you'll pretend to be a man. Clever strategy huh? I dunno about you, but from a way off, a guy being macho some of the time, and being a girl the other half is kind've silly. That said, a lot of straight guys - take cyclists - shave their legs, have pony tails and are pretty poor straight male schmucks to start off with. Also, since the world is filled with so many hypocrites, why is being gay any different?

The moffie enigma works. You bullshit the straight people, and while you are walking around cocksure how clever you are, you (secretly) do the dogswork behind the shed where no one can see. They snooze, they lose, you win the prizes for being a damned fine smart ass. Right?

Well, there is of course a small problem that emerges. Bullshitting straight people has its downside. For starters, there are your family. Bullshitting them means moving to another city, preferably another continent so that the stories, which travel fast, take a while to reach them. (The stories have probably reached them long ago, but let's not go there just yet.) The other thing playing the straight game is, some (luckless) person gets attracted to you, and now you have to juggle these two priorities:

1) form a (doomed) relationship with the person, making sure from the start that there will be no (real) sex (and risking them finding out who you really are and blabbing it to all who matter)
2) use them to reinforce the charade that you're just a weird straight person, but straight, okay.

The other problem emerges, for example, in a place like a gym. While gays can say, without skaampte, that the gym is probably their favorite place on earth, the problem is that this is also so incredibly obvious. This is where the moffie enigma really starts to unravel. Because while the world seems to love them for being so oulik and clever, in the gym, while one gay turn deserves another, there is definitely the other reality too. Staring at someone who has no clothes on and who notices you are staring at him, you (may) notice he is quite uncomfortable. He wonders what is so damn interesting about being naked to you. If you're not dof, you might sense a bit of hostility. Ja, I'm sure if you're a moffie you don't really care how uncomfortable that makes us.

Here's a tip. It makes us about as uncomfortable as someone of the opposite sex trying to make out with you (if you're a moffie). How it works is, if you're a moffie in a gym, it's good manners to pretend you're not a moffie in the changing room. So try not to sit around or find a possie near the scale. You may think straight guys don't notice this, we do. Maybe you reckon straight guys sometimes have a look at gay porn for fun. Ummm...no. So in a change room, we're there to change. Any oke dawdling and doing a bit of sightseeing sticks out like a sore thumb, and it's no fun for us. I don't feel complimented for one, I feel bladdy uncomfortable. So would you if you were standing next to a naked chick who thought you were straight with half your clothes off. Moffies can't very well be herded into the ladies changing rooms. So you're stuck with us. And we're stuck with you. And maybe we can learn to appreciate y'all, but don't push it.

The reason I think you guys can't hou julle in is because you keep this secret your whole lives, which means you're never really living the way you should be living. Half the time you're denying who you are, and the other half depriving yourself of those forbidden fruits.

Unfortunately, the grim reality is that the Moffie Enigma, as clever as it all seems, all ends in tears, and the only person you're fooling is yourself. While you wonder whether there is a point to coming out of the closet, 99% already know you're a moffie. They're just somewhat bemused by what a scaredy cat crybaby lafaard you are. We all have issues, and your is you can't admit you like the idea of doing awkward things to someone of the same sex as you? Some women play with dildos. Some men played with action figures. Get a grip, and when you do, grow up. You might come out of it with something resembling a real life.