Find out what your issues are AND How to have a (good) relationship with someone - JL, this is for you

When crap happens in a relationship it is an opportunity for growth. If either person in a relationship is immature, then it is an opportunity to fall out of that relationship but you still grow, and what you learn is that by holding onto pride, vanity, ego, whatever - you may win your own ego battles but you have lost the sharing and enjoyment that was once part of what it meant having a relationship with that person. Being right isn't always the best thing for you or a relationship.

On the other hand, if the parties in a relationship are mature, then they can sit down together (or stand) and speak to each other calmly, as adults. They can communicate their differences, and probably find they misunderstood or miscommunicated an intention, or else one or the other may not have realised something that the other anticipated they should have known. This can enhance a relationship, and fosters enhanced understanding, trust and loyalty.

Here are three tips on what not to do:

Your partner/friend calls or approaches you to specifically raise something that has concerned/hurt/worried them. Don't be dismissive and say, "That is so unimportant,I'm not even going to bother responding to that." It's probably important to the other person, and your saying FOOEY effectively says to them I don't think you're important (and possibly I don't think this relationship is important). It may mean that at the bottom of it you don't consider yourself very important either.

Tip # 2 is allow for a cooling off period, based on your knowledge of yourself, your knowledge of your partner, and your knowledge of the relationship context. If someone says, "Don't talk to me again, ever," you might want to wait for a few days, compared to "Leave me alone," which might be one day. Timing is important here, and here it's up to your gut feel. Remember though, if someone appeals to you, reaches out, and you shut them down, and there's a longish gap with no communication, you might not be able to restart that relationship. Don't allow the bridges you have to become derelict.

Tip # 3 is simple. Don't burn your bridges. If you feel someone has been nasty enough to be listed in your black book of DAMNED FOR THE REMAINDER OF MY LIFETIME you might want to keep that sort of info to yourself. What possible benefit is there in telling someone what a lousy lifeform you they are. Probably, they will tell you the same, leaving the both of you stressed, frustrated and depressed. Next year, during the darling buds of May, something unexpected may shift your ideas about yourselfand others, and you may wish you had done less harm than you have. If you walk away without a rant, you can always walk back.

There is also the sense sometimes that we behave with rational or righteous anger or indignation. That we are right to respond because it feels right, and we know that it addresses something in us, and that makes it certain and good. This is seldom the case. Tolle refers to pain-bodies, and active pain-bodies simply take over their hosts whenever a scenario resonates with them. You may think acting out some behaviour out of anger is right - it invariably points to a quadrant of pain locked inside of you. And it may have nothing to do with the person you're with, and everything to do with you.

How can you deal with your own pain-body? By being conscious of it. By being alert, present in the moment. Here are a couple of my issues:

I have issues with...

past women chaos age paranormal

Take Word Association Test

You can see my #1 issue is the PAST. I believe a lot of South Africans have issues with the past in particular, but probably people around the world too. What to do about past pain. Honor it, listen to its voice, seek closure where possible, and then let it go. Beyond that, you draw pain into the present (through one's own lack of Presence) and then the cause of the pain is you, not so much the Past. The past is past, let it be.

Once you're aware of your own issues you are forewarned to some extent. You can also explain to someone in your relationship what your triggers are, but you can't expect them to honor them to the letter. Your crap is yours, and if you expect someone to respect them and tippy toe around them, then you're expecting an enabler, not a true partner.

Here's a finer analysis of some of my associations. Interestingly a perceive 'men' in general in a negative way, but 'father' as positive, 'women' in general in a 'neutral' way but 'mother' in a negative way. I don't think I perceive my mother so much negatively as the circumstances of her death; those associations. I also agree with this analysis that my perception of society is 'negative'. I find society as a whole is a writhing, underperforming ignorant swathe of sheep who are stupid enough to be, and remain and refer to themselves as 'consumers'. As long as they/we are that, we're in big trouble. There's a lot wrong with society - that's incontrovertible.

People have often stereotyped me as negative. True, I can be incredibly pessimistic, I can also be against all odds positive (and I can quote plenty of examples). I recently took an association test and it is almost perfectly balanced between positive, negative and neutral. You try, and find out what your issues are. Take the test here.

Ps. JL isn't Jennifer Lopez, Jack Lucas, Jeorg Lucas or Jennifer Love (Hewitt).