Case Study

Psych 101
Scenario:

Phase 1:
Subject A, let's call him Neels Holgersohn, is in a relationship with subject B, let's call her Sham Dunk. They are at a South African airport, and Sham is likely to be apart from her partner for the better part of a year. They have been very close friends for 4 years, and a couple, for almost a year. While waiting for the boarding time to arrive, subject C, a rather diminutive Beta Class male, let's call him Worm, begins to pester Sham, offering her amongst other things a facsimile of a marriage contract with Sham's grandmother's signature, which supposedly serves as an endorsement of this behavior.
Neels is quietly disgusted by what he feels is snivelling, desperate behavior, but little does he know, Sham is quietly charmed by this pestering servitude.
The time comes for the sweet parting, and Sham is tearful and confides that she is failing to hide her feelings, and will miss Neels the most.

Phase 2:
It's one year later. Neels arrives back from the United Kingdom (after joining Sham in not ideal overseas conditions). He arrives one month after Sham, and is told upon arrival that she is 'confused'. After much maligning of the facts, it gradually turns out that Sham immediately shacked up with Worm once arriving back in South Africa.

Neels repeatedly wants to know whether Sham's sudden cooling of feelings are a result of a new player, and she repeatedly assures him that she simply wants space to be on her own, space to be single. Neels initially accepts this, but then finds he can't believe that she is capable of a separation (after a 5-6 year friendship), especially considering the equanimity she seems to have, the lack of distress, and lack of interest or need for interaction. A separation is fine, but why does it feel like a barrier is in place, some kind of subtle communication barrier.
Eventually Neels discovers that Sham has been with Worm all along.

Neels contacts Worm and asks for a little time, and less pressure, so he can at least get closure, and return to the United Kingdom with at least a friendship, a resolution, some peace about the whole thing. Worm responds in a sort of Machiavellian inflated baboon's backside strutting: He says Neels has had his turn, and now it's his turn, and Neels must move on and get a life.

Finally, time having run out, Neels returns to the United Kingdom with much emotional turmoil gone unresolved. Strangers on the airplane comment to him that he looks sad and distressed, despite putting on his best undistressed face.
A few weeks later, in Edinburgh, an email from Sham basically admits that it is over and always will be between the two of them, and that she has found her prince. She also encourages Neels to go off and get what he deserves. She makes an allusion to the fact that he seemed to want someone better than her, and now he had a chance to find someone. The theme of her message was also one of: move on with your life.
There were some emails after that, but these stopped shortly after she indicated that Worm was reading them and disapproving of their communication. Thus ended all communication indefinitely.

Phase 3:
5 years later.
Neels returns to his childhood home after an extended tour abroad. He finds a telephone and address pad on his father's desk, open, and sticking out in sharply inked lines is the name: Worm, and the number. Then the odd snippets of information over the past week come back to him.
Worm and Sham came to visit his father in Bloemfontein.
Worm sold his father the Toshiba notebook on the desk.
Worm is doing a photography course.
Worm called to say...Worm worm worm.
So much for getting a life, and moving on, and breaking off all contact.

Neels pauses, checks the number scrawled beside Worm's name, and punches it in.
Worm answers and Neels identifies himself.
Worm is friendly, although wrong-footed, and tries to make some hey, how are you small talky conversation.
Neels plays along, all is conducted in a civil conversational tone, until Neels asks: 'What is the deal with this computer you sold to my father?'

Worm hesitates for a second, then responds, still with enthusiasm and friendliness, 'Nothing. It's not second hand. Is there something wrong?'

Neels smiles. 'Dude, I don't think you're following me. What's happening here? How come you're selling my dad a computer? I thought we were moving on with our lives, and I find while I've been away, you've been visiting my dad, selling him a computer, hell your name and number are in the phone book right in front of me. What's up with that?'

Long pause. Totally new tone of voice. Soft and whispery: 'I can't believe you still haven't gotten over the fact that I took Sham away from you. You're pathetic, you know that...'

'It's fine, I have no bones...You two can go off into the sunset, but what are you doing coming here? Didn't you say to me I must leave you alone and get a life? So why are you having contact with my family? Why don't you come here when I'm here?'

Again, this seething, snaky tone. 'Well I would except you would probably be out making a delivery for Mr Delivery.'

'With you it's always about money. You think it makes you something. But you're a coward. You run around snivelling behind other people with your schemes, wheeling and dealing, and that's all you can do.'
Click.
Worm hangs up and hangs up another 3-4 times.
Neels calls and leaves this message:
'Still hiding away. Do you know you are a small little man, with a little bit of cash, and you think that makes you special. I don't think you're very special. I don't know where you get your stories...but let's be clear that the vark in this verhaal, the pathetic person hiding in this house is you.'
Now I don't need to speak to him again. I've said my piece. He knows his place. I'm glad it's done.

Neels feels triumphant. He reflects for a moment on this spontaneous phone call. For each statement Worm attempted a rebuttal, a stinging response, but Neels shouldered it off and fired another canon. This degeneration into insults is simply an admission of weakness, of being unable to find a reasonable response.
There was a power exchange here, and Neels knows Worm came off significantly weaker. Not only that, but Neels feels a sense of satisfaction. This person who he might have admired for wooing someone he once loved, or even envied, is not very intelligent or quick witted as one might have guessed. He is left wondering what was going through Sham's mind when she fell for him? She did say, 'He's got nothing on you. You're far more talented blah blah blah....' So what was it then? The money? The security? Is he a nice person when not in lovey dovey mode? What is this schizophrenic good cop bad cop thing. That voice. This, Neels realises, is childish, and weak.

More than that, Neels could have responded, could have pointed out that yes, he worked at Mr Delivery, he worked as a manager, he made several proposals to the CEO, was offered a job at Head Office too. That he has worked in humbling conditions, he has had a rich and colorful life, he has struggled and succeeded, and his most recent tour of Korea was triumphant, stabilising, successful. What bigger compliment can a person have than to be wildly popular with hosts of children. More than all that, he didn't need to say any of that, because it was enough that he knew that.

Phase 4:
Sham makes a long distance call in great pregnant distress and entreats Neels' father to reign him in. Neels defends his behaviour, and also asks his father to explain why he is dealing with someone who has obviously not been a friend to him. Neels says, 'It's like me making friends with someone who steals a lot of your money. Emotionally, it's the same deal.' Neels points out the precedent Worm set at the airport. Neels points out that that precedent could provide a license for interference, for not respecting the integrity of someone else's relationship.

He also points out that these snide remarks about Mr Delivery show that Worm is not operating entirely reasonably, and he went to some pains to undermine Neel's position by saying: 'Your father likes me. He often comes to stay here.'
Neel's father says the remark about Mr Delivery was unnecessary, and says that they really have very little contact, but is Neel's trying to tell him how to run his life, and who he should buy computers from, and who should be allowed to visit.
Neels says: 'I'd like your support, but obviously you're free to do whatever you want to do. But I've let him know where I stand, and since you've had a call from Sham, you've asked about my actions and I've explained to you exactly what the situation is. And now you both know. I felt it was important to do that, and I stand by it. I wasn't emotional, or sensitive, or unreasonable. It was necessary, because that time had a significant and valuable impact on my life, and I'm holding him accountable for his words and actions. And I'm glad I did it. Whether you support me or if you don't, either is fine. But now you're clear on the situation, and maybe you understand this guy a bit better too. He's not my friend, so I'm not sure why you'd want him as your friend. But that's your choice.'

His father asks why he is trying to interfere? He says this single call kicked up a hornet's nest.
Neels says he is not trying to interfere, he is trying to separate. He is merely maintaining the rule that was set in place.

His father argues that confrontation is not always the answer, and Neels responds saying, 'Sometimes, when you take no action, terrible things happen.' In his mind Neels thinks about his mother, her prolonged depression, and he wonders whether to press the point. He does say that his father is less confrontational than average, and perhaps this is why this is balanced out in himself, but not as confrontation, but communication. Neels is a talented communicator. He writes, he draws, he presents, he proposes, he expresses himself. He points out that he began a civil and reasonable discourse on the phone, but it rapidly degenerated. This is because most people don't know how to communicate, or respond (instead of react) to someone bringing not always positive information into their lives.

His father asks him why he wants to hold grudges?
Neels says it's not about grudges at all. It's about separating lives so people can move forward. That's what happens when people get divorced. If it's not that amicable, it's more constructive not to see each other.
He points out that he went to great pains to resolve things, despite the fact that he was the one cheated on, he pursued closure and was resisted, delayed, lied to at every gate. Then he finally conceded that what is done is done, been and gone, and cannot be revisited.
Then to return home to find Worm and Sham are visiting his father, and vice versa, it's a bit nonsensical. A bit convenient. A bit shabby.

Assignment:
Write a treatise on whether:
a) Neels needs to put Worm on a hook and go fishing
b) Neels was right to set boundaries, and Worm is shithead
c) Neels should call Worm again, reveal the dark secret Sham's been hiding from him, and thereby exact some kind of powerful revenge
d) Neels should flesh out a novel thereby revealing his own eccentricities and creative power
e) Neels should concentrate on the Ironman (and leave the Marshmellow Men behind).