I expected to go to the doctor and request a Sick Note, and nothing more, and be back at school working today. Instead, the doctor put me on a course of antibiotics and some immune boosters. I actually feel worse today than yesterday. Dizzy and lightheaded and still not feeling strong. I've been diagnosed with Upper Respiratory Tract Infection.
I'm at the school's computer lab now, cycled here, and the effort up the first hill had me out of breath for the rest of the way (less than 1km).
That means my fitness levels are back to 0.
I'm despondent about that.
I've also had no feedback on a range of issues:
1) The legal guy I have appointed to sort out the Heartland checque says 'no one is ever in the office' when he goes there. I think there's a real threat that they are going to shut down their offices and leave without paying any of their debts (except to themselves of course).
2) Shape magazine and others have been very coy - maybe the excuse is the next issue is due now - in accepting my latest contributions
3) go! has decided to delay publication by a month. Since this is a vital breakthrough, it's not nice to have to 'wait-and-see'whether or not they do a last minute u-turn as GQ did in May.
What the above boils down to is me doing consistently a lot of work and getting no reward for it, no obvious reward, except the hope of a reward, and that hope being strung out and delayed continuously. It's quite frustrating.
I'm also not well enough to be at home being productive. Have needed to really rest up. I think these antibiotics are doing the job of killing biota in my organism - both the good and the bad.
I think August is going to be a month of regrouping, and rebuilding. Feel like I have been stretched out by people and projects I've undertaken that just have not given the sort of return that does the original investment justice. I also feel like I need a holiday. After all the work I've put in (during regular work ours and beyond), having no reward to show for it leaves one even more exhausted and unmotivated.
I'm sure once I have my health again, I'll be brimming with reckless motivation. The sort of irrational motivation that gets you to do things that you realise, in retrospect, was insane. But, in this world, it seems like overwhelming force (when it comes to work and output) is the only way to get somewhere meaningful.
It's not just me that's under strain. My girlfriend is too, and it seems as though it's not just a few individuals or groups : the world is in transition, heading to a new phase of austerity. We're seeing it in the weather, in economic trends of slower growth (and inflationary pressures) and in explosive outbursts in the Middle East. It may not be an accurate assessment, it just seems like we have gone up a notch in 'discomfort levels'.
Because in the end it all comes down to a single number. I notice this number is quoted last (in Financial Bulletins). I notice the headlines seem to find ways to avoid facing it. Today that number is 76. It's this number, that is going to determine just about everything.
I also have another number. Jean-Marie Neethling's phone number. I'll call her later this week or next week for an interview. I'm curious to talk to her. She's a champion, and she's only just started her ascendency. I've got my eyes set on the same Upper Slopes. Down here it's just plain freezing.
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