Bald is beautiful

Is less more?
by Nick van der Leek

By Hollywood standards, bald is one of the precursors for ugliness. And ugliness is a vital ingredient, for nastiness, or so we’re made to believe. Here’s a short list: Gollum, Freddie (from Nightmare on Elm Street), Dr. Elmer Fudd (enemy of Daffy and Bugs), Lex Luthor, the Kurgen (in Highlander), the Emperor and Darth Vader in Star Wars, and of course, Satan.

In almost every case where the antihero is bald, the hero is positively shaggy, or else locks are beautifully coiffed, as demonstrated by heroes like Jesus, Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) and Superman (Christopher Reeve).
No wonder then that young men, finding themselves coming up to scratch (their heads), suddenly wonder if they are found to be coming up to scratch in the wider world, where a media savvy what-you-see-is-what-you-get environment awaits them to pass almighty judgment. Is it possible to wear the crown: sexiest man, without having a crown?

In South Korea for example, baldness is an obvious flaw, and as such, has been made into a public caricature. If you’re caught in a public space without hair, and you’re not dressed like a monk, young children are apt to shoot fingers at you and scream PAK PAGI PAK PAGI. The parents smile beatifically as though their children have quite correctly pointed out a clown, a freak, a parody of an otherwise perfectly hirsute society. But then, it has to be said, South Koreans demonstrate a troubling affinity for plastic surgery – and clinics in some suburbs outnumber convenience stores.

One of my students in South Korea had a full time job making wigs. One triathlete I met there had shaved his head, and his teammates described him to me as ‘the bold guy’. Perhaps that was exactly right. Either there is just one bold South Korean man in all of Korea, or else they live lives of quiet desperation and subterfuge.

In South Africa, being bald is a lot more acceptable, perhaps because many African men have taken their cues from Wesley Snipes and Samuel L. Jackson. But of course, among the young and the restless, big hair is all the rage. The rugby field is a useful area to check out the latest hairstyles. Rasta is sometimes seen, but big and curly appears to be making a comeback. Am I alone in wanting to suggest to Ollie that he get a haircut?

I wonder though if being bald has ever been the height of fashion? In the roman era, the Caesars and nobles favored short hair, and sometimes neatly trimmed beards. There have been alternating periods in various societies where long hair, then no hair, represented higher states of purity and goodness over the laity. Buddhists, currently, are bald, but a lot of fundamentalists in evangelical churches wear beards and sometimes shoulder length hair. Muslims and Jews are the bushiest of the lot.

I know we’re used to think of bald with a negative bias, but actually, there’s a lot to be said for real people who are bald, as opposed to the caricatures that have been created to represent them.
Having very short hair, or no hair, can also represent neatness, discipline, determination and sheer assertiveness. Some top national and Olympic swimmers have shaved their heads. Before Lance Armstrong a bald Italian called Marco Pantani dominated the mountains, and even won the Tour de France. Being bald is the quintessential hallmark of individual power. Lex Luthor shows this as leading to egoism and megalomania, but it’s not necessarily true. Many men with hair seem to be the most selfish and have vanity and conceit on their list of vices.

Ever since Samson, who found he had all his strength even without his ponytail, bald men have been able to set high standards, meanwhile being graciously accepting of imperfections in others – far more so than than their hairy counterparts. There is also a calm authority, a monkish wisdom, that unassailable inner strength and masculinity that the man exudes who does not pack styling gel, shampoo and a hairdryer when making transatlantic trips. Is this the rule?

While at first sniff Hollywood seems to have no bald leading men, this myth soon proves to be covered with hair (a new metaphor for: being of deceptive appearance). Sean Connery, William Hurt, Jack Nicholson, Gene Hackman and Ed Harris are some of the finest male actors in the business. All five of them have had leading roles in big hits, and Connery and Nicholson are regarded as two of the world’s sexiest and most charming men. The new Schwarzenegger and Stallone are Vin Diesel and The Rock, and occasionally Bruce Willis. Is a pattern emerging?

Suddenly it seems as if being bald is the way to go! Except…wait just a second. If bald was better, what’s happened to the James Bond fellow before Pierce Brosnan? Do you know, I can’t even remember his name! And what about that actor in the Big Blue that played the role of Jacques Mayol. Everyone swooned over him. Did he drown? And Kevin Costner, who, in Waterworld, seemed to be hanging onto a few vital strands, seemed to have managed a partial growback and concomitant comeback. Other actors simply wear wigs, like Billy Zane in Titanic, or the camera man kindly cuts off the crown, or colors it in, as happened to Agent Smith in every Matrix episode.

Meanwhile, local heroes like Jacques Kallis and Steve Hofmeyr are determined to stave off the effects of aging and impending ugliness. Where is Eon De Vos? Casper de Vries? Creams, pills and lotions are applied day after day, for months, to prevent nature from running its course. Riaan Cruywagen has adopted the ‘pull the wool over their eyes’ approach, and it’s hard to imagine Riaan any other way.
But if bald men didn’t represent their predicaments with such grotesque fear and insecurity, it’s likely that their audiences would respond with more confidence and resolution too.

I read somewhere that 50% of women like bald men, or don’t care either way. It’s my guess that all the heartache about baldness starts with freakish attempts at subterfuge, and laughable attempts at covering up.
Being bald is like having boobs that are too obvious. Cowering in the undergrowth is not an option. You’ve been offered a license to be assertive, and powerful. It’s been shown that bald men have more testosterone. So use it. You’ve been giving a unique faculty in a world where being invisible is absolute failure. Go out and make a stir. Be yourself and be yourself at your boldest and baldest.