SHOOT: Since I often rave against the delusions and crazy behaviour of our society, a friend emailed me to ask me whether I'd read Oliver Robert's column. I hadn't. I searched for it on the internet instead (saving R10 - the cost of the paper) and google eventually helped me out (The Times search engine picked up Oliver Roberts but all the articles were from 2 years ago).
He writes: Similarly, you cannot expect someone who speaks on their cellphone in a cinema to concede to your objections, because they, too, are out of their minds. I can just about accept someone’s phone ringing because they forgot to switch it off; but answering it? And then having a conversation (‘I’m in a movie, what are you up to’)? Surely no normal-minded person would do such a thing, for they would know that it was deeply inconsiderate.
SHOOT: I was about to endorse this entire article unequivocally because I've endured exactly that, some dickhead occupying a seat next to me (my date didn't turn up) and then talking on the phone during the best movie of the year, and when I nudged him he was like, "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME."
I ended up walking out the cinema, calling the manager and had the guy removed. He was occupying the wrong seat and still thought he was entitled to have an attitude. Nutter.
I believe the reason for this craziness is extremely high levels of selfishness. Advertisers tell us how special we are and that we are entitled to have something for no better reason than because we:
a) don't have it
b) want it
This explains a lot of things. Boob jobs and botox, adultery and AIDS. An example of how this attitude is nuts is say, let's take cancer. We know smoking causes cancer, and eating burnt food, especially charred meat, is like ordering cancer from Mr. Delivery. But that sort of slightly intelligent processing doesn't compute with most people. We do it anyway because we're so damn smart, and we should get what we want just because we want it. Alrighty then.
While Roberts is spot on about fatties who visit Milky Lane and then order diet drinks, and hits the bullseye on people who send and respond to chain e-mail expecting Bill Gates to personally reward each participant with $10 000 cheques (this reflects clearly our something-for-nothing mindset) - Roberts is a bit off on a few, like I really don't get what is wrong with being a human rights or animal rights activist. I guess we're all supposed to conform and do our jobs and not ask questions? I mean, that's what got us so royally screwed in virtually every way: US politics, the war in Iraq, SA politics, the current energy predicament, the swine flu scenario (a lot of people are very sagely saying - oh that's been overhyped, it's nothing to worry about - thanks experts), our entire economic apparatus, the environment. Have I left anything out?
Oh, and there's this one: any man over the age of 19 who wears his cap backwards. Er...I take it Oliver has hair and is still in his 20's? I concur that a lot of people walk around looking like pirates or clowns or overgrown children. But when you don't have hair, like me, you still want to look cool, and there are some days where you just don't want to go to Pick 'n Pay and have someone glance at your head. Roberts doesn't stray into politically effete circles (which may turn off a substantial portion of readers) who perhaps live in Houghton but have newly acquired tattoos.
I also don't get what's wrong with walking around with a budgie on your shoulder. David Attenborough for a time had a cockatoo on his shoulder. Both definitely beat carrying something infinitely worse: a really big chip. I have a few chips of my own, but they pale in comparison to the railway sleepers I encounter on people who consider themselves 'pretty normal'.
In the real world, anarchy, chaos, madness, nonsensical-ness is a growing shadow that threatens the fabric of society. We've seen how quickly a city can collapse (think about New Orleans and parts of New York). We have every reason to worry about our safety in the world.
Here are a few pokes from me:
Movie reviewers. A lot of them really don't speak for the average, intelligent audience. Some of those views are really specialised. Why then are they writing them if they're espousing a marginal view? A lot of movie reviewers also feel it is their job to tell you what happens in the movie. As in, go through the plot. They have no sense in trying to protect the public's experience of it, it's all really about how clever they are (which is really just a reflection of them seeing a clever movie and repeating what someone else came up with.) That's like visual plagiarism and frankly it disgusts me. Almost every reviewer does it. Barry Ronge though seems to have his finger on the button more times than not, as for the rest - less is more if you really insist on spoiling things for the rest of us.
I really have a problem with people who have never done sport, possibly because they are disabled, or overweight, or blind in one eye, or infertile, or just plain too fucking lazy, and they then criticise top athletes like they think they know what they're talking about. They'll say for example that someone has no 'big match temperament'. Jesus. Have you ever done anything braver than sit at a desk blabbing or writing about other people? Shut the fuck up.
Anyone who smokes - please shut the fuck up about health. Anything about health. Shut the hell up.
Motoring journalists who drive around in Citi golfs or 2001 Uno's, who then criticise Mercedes or BMW test vehicles for some arbitrary flaw. Instead of publishing your name next to the article and a mugshot, how about a shot of you in your real car, and a more 'real' review. Like, compared to my car, I'd love this [unfortunately, this would probably be the premise of every single article, which might get a bit tiring]. So maybe we should have motoring journalists who have driven in big races and have had a few chariots in their lives, as opposed to a kid in a golf who pretends to take it all in his stride.
People who are painfully sensitive about what is said to them or construed to be said to them or about them, but incredibly rude and scathing - and deliberately so - when they get into Diva mode. Because I'm all that and you're not. Except when a real mistake has been made and then it's please forgive little cute me on basis of my squeaky voice, pleading puppy dog eyes and that I'm trying to be cute at this very moment.
Anyone who is supremely confident that they know more than you do, with no doubt in their mind, probably doesn't. Like born-again Christians and other religious fundamentalists. I think I'll go to sleep now.
He writes: Similarly, you cannot expect someone who speaks on their cellphone in a cinema to concede to your objections, because they, too, are out of their minds. I can just about accept someone’s phone ringing because they forgot to switch it off; but answering it? And then having a conversation (‘I’m in a movie, what are you up to’)? Surely no normal-minded person would do such a thing, for they would know that it was deeply inconsiderate.
SHOOT: I was about to endorse this entire article unequivocally because I've endured exactly that, some dickhead occupying a seat next to me (my date didn't turn up) and then talking on the phone during the best movie of the year, and when I nudged him he was like, "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME."
I ended up walking out the cinema, calling the manager and had the guy removed. He was occupying the wrong seat and still thought he was entitled to have an attitude. Nutter.
I believe the reason for this craziness is extremely high levels of selfishness. Advertisers tell us how special we are and that we are entitled to have something for no better reason than because we:
a) don't have it
b) want it
This explains a lot of things. Boob jobs and botox, adultery and AIDS. An example of how this attitude is nuts is say, let's take cancer. We know smoking causes cancer, and eating burnt food, especially charred meat, is like ordering cancer from Mr. Delivery. But that sort of slightly intelligent processing doesn't compute with most people. We do it anyway because we're so damn smart, and we should get what we want just because we want it. Alrighty then.
While Roberts is spot on about fatties who visit Milky Lane and then order diet drinks, and hits the bullseye on people who send and respond to chain e-mail expecting Bill Gates to personally reward each participant with $10 000 cheques (this reflects clearly our something-for-nothing mindset) - Roberts is a bit off on a few, like I really don't get what is wrong with being a human rights or animal rights activist. I guess we're all supposed to conform and do our jobs and not ask questions? I mean, that's what got us so royally screwed in virtually every way: US politics, the war in Iraq, SA politics, the current energy predicament, the swine flu scenario (a lot of people are very sagely saying - oh that's been overhyped, it's nothing to worry about - thanks experts), our entire economic apparatus, the environment. Have I left anything out?
Oh, and there's this one: any man over the age of 19 who wears his cap backwards. Er...I take it Oliver has hair and is still in his 20's? I concur that a lot of people walk around looking like pirates or clowns or overgrown children. But when you don't have hair, like me, you still want to look cool, and there are some days where you just don't want to go to Pick 'n Pay and have someone glance at your head. Roberts doesn't stray into politically effete circles (which may turn off a substantial portion of readers) who perhaps live in Houghton but have newly acquired tattoos.
I also don't get what's wrong with walking around with a budgie on your shoulder. David Attenborough for a time had a cockatoo on his shoulder. Both definitely beat carrying something infinitely worse: a really big chip. I have a few chips of my own, but they pale in comparison to the railway sleepers I encounter on people who consider themselves 'pretty normal'.
In the real world, anarchy, chaos, madness, nonsensical-ness is a growing shadow that threatens the fabric of society. We've seen how quickly a city can collapse (think about New Orleans and parts of New York). We have every reason to worry about our safety in the world.
Here are a few pokes from me:
Movie reviewers. A lot of them really don't speak for the average, intelligent audience. Some of those views are really specialised. Why then are they writing them if they're espousing a marginal view? A lot of movie reviewers also feel it is their job to tell you what happens in the movie. As in, go through the plot. They have no sense in trying to protect the public's experience of it, it's all really about how clever they are (which is really just a reflection of them seeing a clever movie and repeating what someone else came up with.) That's like visual plagiarism and frankly it disgusts me. Almost every reviewer does it. Barry Ronge though seems to have his finger on the button more times than not, as for the rest - less is more if you really insist on spoiling things for the rest of us.
I really have a problem with people who have never done sport, possibly because they are disabled, or overweight, or blind in one eye, or infertile, or just plain too fucking lazy, and they then criticise top athletes like they think they know what they're talking about. They'll say for example that someone has no 'big match temperament'. Jesus. Have you ever done anything braver than sit at a desk blabbing or writing about other people? Shut the fuck up.
Anyone who smokes - please shut the fuck up about health. Anything about health. Shut the hell up.
Motoring journalists who drive around in Citi golfs or 2001 Uno's, who then criticise Mercedes or BMW test vehicles for some arbitrary flaw. Instead of publishing your name next to the article and a mugshot, how about a shot of you in your real car, and a more 'real' review. Like, compared to my car, I'd love this [unfortunately, this would probably be the premise of every single article, which might get a bit tiring]. So maybe we should have motoring journalists who have driven in big races and have had a few chariots in their lives, as opposed to a kid in a golf who pretends to take it all in his stride.
People who are painfully sensitive about what is said to them or construed to be said to them or about them, but incredibly rude and scathing - and deliberately so - when they get into Diva mode. Because I'm all that and you're not. Except when a real mistake has been made and then it's please forgive little cute me on basis of my squeaky voice, pleading puppy dog eyes and that I'm trying to be cute at this very moment.
Anyone who is supremely confident that they know more than you do, with no doubt in their mind, probably doesn't. Like born-again Christians and other religious fundamentalists. I think I'll go to sleep now.
people who verbally abuse joggers and think it’s funny to swipe cyclists with their car’s wing mirrors; women who develop moustaches then refuse to do something about it; anyone who walks around with a budgie on their shoulder; human and animal rights activists; any man over the age of 19 who wears his cap backwards; people who are proud that they have never read a book; parents who name their daughter “Savannah”; fatties who go to Milky Lane and order a huge waffle but then insist on a diet drink to go with it; people who let their dogs bark all day and night; sexually mature men who go to strip clubs.
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2 comments:
Tks for making me laugh - even if it is 2.30 in the morning!
D
Glad you laughed at all the insanity. If you can't laugh the onluy othe roption is to cry ;-)
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