The View from my Bicycle [COLUMN]

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I'm sure that all over America, and the world, Boulevard's are coming into existence where the shuttered windows are covered in placards of the broken dreams of ordinary people. In many cases they may involve the loss of their homes, and possibly jobs. Perhaps a family that disintegrated due to financial distress or illness. When I lived in London I was reluctant to give myself over to greed; I smelled something was off - and I watched from the sidelines as my friends became richer. I am not writing from that point of view. I'm writing from a more personal perspective, those private dreams we have for ourselves in which the inner child, or the ghost of our stronger self, struggles to be set free. Someone once said that a dream worth dreaming is bigger than yourself, it includes others. Mine, I suppose were a mixture of both. Some were for me, and some were for the world - and continue to be.

On Friday I had a conversation with a prokureer; someone I met and photographed in Cape Town a few weeks ago. Over a succession of cigarettes we discussed the law [she said she has never lost a case]. She said she has read every John Grisham novel, except The Rainmaker, a book that persuaded me to abandon my law studies after one year.

It occurred to me while talking with her that many who practise law, probably most, don't particularly care about the law, not in terms of what is right, what is truth. They're more concerned about making money and manipulating the system. I was never interested in that. The concept of law in 1990 [which was still the Apartheid Era] was for me, infested with hypocrisy, and it has to be said, there wasn't that much work.

Looking Back

But my discussions with her got me thinking. I had a bunch of dreams as a teenager, as a youngster, growing up. One of them of becoming a lawyer. And I've realised, this blog is largely an expression of dissatisfaction against the deprivations of society, those it imposes on itself, those imposed on it by politicians and power brokers. In my own life I have had to face a handful of cases and virtually without exception, I've won all of them. At worst, I've suffered a draw.

When I was at school I used to watch LA Law and imagined myself making those arguments in court, fighting for what was right, leading a textbook, but comfortable life. I couldn't have been more wrong. I don't know of too many people who have lead a less textbook, more unconventional life than I have. It certainly wasn't my intention.

This whole line of thought got me started on a number of hopes and dreams I had as a youngster, and I suppose, the first of these involved writing and swimming, or swimming and writing. It's hard to say which came first. In terms of swimming I achieved early success, but was frustrated and disappointed and humiliated really, by the lack of success that followed.

In terms of writing, as a teenager I began to aspire to be a writer. Not a journalist, not a reporter, but I writer. A big name, like Hemingway, or a paperback champion - like Stephen King, or Michael Crichton. I dedicated entire weekends and thousands of hours when I ought to have been doing homework, scribbling stories. I completed a two year project on the morning of a science exam, a final matric exam. I passed my science, but only just. During university I wrote three more pieces, one titled FLY BY NIGHT, another WELL, SUPERMAN, WHERE ARE YOU NOW? While overseas in England I wrote another, titled STAGGER INTO FRESH AIR, and whilst in South Korea I wrote The Half Full Moon. Back in South Africa, this is around 2007, I wrote HOLIDAY and followed that up by an ode to my mother, titled Heaven is in your heart. [You can read excerpts of some of these unpublished work by visiting this link.]

Right now I am in a wait-and-see mode. I am reluctant to commit more time to novel writing without a more tangible signal that these efforts will amount to something real and measurable. I have an agent in Cape Town currently reading HOLIDAY.
The bottom line is, despite years of effort, I have nothing to show for my writing. A few published magazines and newspaper articles, but nothing of substance. So much for Hemingway.

As a young man I also had a deep seated, near spiritual desire to fly. This was large influence by my love of birds, and by being inspired by Richard Bach's writing, books including Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, The Bridge Across Forever, Illusions and so on. Thus it was no accident that I ended up serving in the South African Air Force in 1990, and in the same year was one of only two individuals offered contracts to have ourselves trained as pilots, with all the perks, a free house etc etc. I turned that down. The reason for this was simply that I felt I had been in some system or another for 13 years, the majority of my life, and the last thing I wanted to do was commit another 7 years of my life to another system. I wanted to be free.

I started studying law the following year, and abandoned that a year later. University was a frustrating time for me, but I maintained some sanity through the sport of triathlon. I began to swim again, and enjoyed it, and within a short period was one of South Africa's top triathletes. And so a dream was born to represent South Africa at a world championship. Cancun came and went; I saw many of my friends selected, but I was not. I struggled with over training and sickness in turn. I also struggled with money, or rather, a lack of it.

Whilst in South Korea, some years later, I resuscitated my triathlon dreams; I won a race whilst there and began preparing for the Ironman, with a view to going to the World Championships in Hawaii. The same factors scuppered those plans - over training and illness, but I did at least complete an Ironman on my 3rd attempt, though somewhat outside my original projections.

Looking Forward

It is pointless ruminating about 'how close' one got; although there is some point in restating the goals one set for oneself and how many of these goals were, in fact, realised. At times I feel like I haven't realised ANY of my goals. I blame a few things for this. A lack of support from family, a susceptibility to becoming distracted, and being oversensitive to failure/disappointment, to the extent that I lacked the follow-through required. The discipline was there, the talent too, I think, but I felt my goals were often the only sane things in a sea of chaos. So that's sometimes difficult. I'm sure most successful people will tell you that they had some sort of safety net, some form of support or reinforcement coming from somewhere. That's vital. I'm not sure I had it.

But looking forward, of all the hopes and dreams, I'm still pursuing some, and I've added one or two new goals to the list.
Flying has gone off my radar. I'd dearly love to pursue it, but I feel I simply can't afford that level of indulgence right now.
Law is something I might consider pursuing once again. It seems naturally part of who I am, and a university test confirmed this a long time ago.

Right now I am pursuing triathlon, with two goals. One, aiming for a place in the South African team [in the standard distance]. Two, participating in the 2010 Ironman, with a view to doing a fast time, between 10 and 11 hours.

In terms of my writing, I'm trying to get HOLIDAY published. I have half a dozen books in my mind, but I am pushing them aside for the moment.

And then there is photography. I have to say I didn't see this one coming. I was an amateur photographer as a kid, but this was followed by some agonising experiences [at least two occasions of photographing without film in the camera]. What I enjoy about photography is that it is far less antisocial than writing, and far more accessible to others than writing. I'm not going to elaborate on my intentions for my photography here, since I know of a couple of people who are reading my blog - one or two nefarious colleagues I mean - who would use these personal disclosures against me, so I'm keeping certain information close to the chest.

I would like to encourage you, not to be downhearted about your failures. Acknowledge them, remember your abandoned dreams, learn from them, but most of all, go on and live something else - whether it is a contunuation or a new chapter. But the next step is to look at the time you have now, and put those dreams you care about, new or old, forgotten and resurrected, and make the present about passionately doing something to realise those dreams. It's pointless complaining about lost dreams, opportunities that slipped away. Because for right now, you have the chance to pursue what you want. Happiness, is every day waking up, and pursuing that something that is meaningful to you.