It's cool by the Pool - right? [COLUMN]

Cause célèbre

I've just emerged [on hands and knees] from the trenches of a 5 year relationship. Actually it wasn't that bad - just 2 months of living with each other, and before that, lots of travelling and phone calls and longing. I remember when we were together [or is that when we were apart but together...] loving that song by Madonna.

I just woke up from a fuzzy dream
You never would believe the things that I have seen
I looked in the mirror and I saw your face
You looked right through me, you were miles away

All my dreams, they fade away
I'll never be the same
If you could see me the way you see yourself
I can't pretend to be someone else

Always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best, miles away
So far away, so far away, so far away, so far away

So a little bit of background. It helps to get over someone of course when the only time they call you is for money [to pay a debt of theirs], and in no time at all the bedrock, the foundations of a relationship you thought might lead to marriage, and children, starts washing away like a sandcastle in the coming tide. So much for bedrock.

In the 2 months that we lived together I could really have done with a supporter, a confidant, a friend. It's not an exaggeration to say that the most stress came from what was happening between us. And then there was a move, and her looking for work etc. So instead of having 2 months where one was ensconced in a caring scenario, it was the opposite. Feeling tired and ruined and exhausted each day from endless arguments.

Perhaps a shrink would have advised me to remain single for a few weeks or months. The odd thing is I've felt more lonely in the months we lived together than during the period before. So I am actually impatient to meet someone new. I feel like the past5 years was a very long arduous trek over a range of mountains and hazards to get where I am now. But at least I've gotten over it.

While a part of me has felt disappointed and insecure - in myself - another part has asked for fresh experiences, new thoughts, steps in new directions.

One of the weird things I did, in an effort to meet new people, was join a dating site. I had reservaqtions about doing this, but thought, hell, I am 37, 1/8th of Americans getting married now meet online...so I gave it a try.
I signed up for one month and so far I haven't met anyone. Not physically anyway. Yesterday someone befriended me and she wants us to meet before the end of the week. I tend to agree - I am thoroughly sick and tired of virtual relationships.
So do I give these services a thumbs up?

Nope, I don't. Here's why:

I signed up for 1 month. At the end of the month I saw my credit card had been debited for another month, and noticed the account was held in Jersey, Great Britain. I immediately contacted them, and of course there is no phone number, just a generic 'support@---' email address. I informed them that I did not wish to subscribe further and they sweetly referred to the fine print in their terms and conditions. Sure enough, after a quarter of an hour, and based on their prompts, you navigate your way through the tedious process of how to prevent being 'automatically' subscribed, even if you have made it clear that you want one month only.
And here's what's funny. A one month subscription is the most expensive. So when you automatically go on for another month, and another, you are paying top dollar. I presume if you subscribe for longer, you also automatically get resubscribed for a similar period.

Just like a casino that doesn't have a clock in sight, and the design of the floor is symmetrical, lots of circles and lights, with no references points [intended to disorient, so that you get lost], SAMatch.com hides away its reference points [to cancel your payment]. It's very easy to sign up, it's all made very clear, but it's tricky cancelling.

This is another example of the propensity we have for lying to ourselves. When I contacted them, I am communicating firsthand, "Hi, I don't want to be subscribed. cancel it." "Oh but according to our records you have." This was not halfway through the month, but the first day. So they're pretending to be completely unaware of the trickery involved. They also have terms and conditions prohibiting their members from communicating anything about subscriptions etc to other members, and when I did this, the communication was removed. They also bury this gem deep in a very long list of terms and conditions:

The Company may change the Subscription pricing, options, renewal terms or Member services at any time.

In other words, they clearly know what they are doing. It's a kind of intellectual parasitism isn't it?
The other aspect that I don't really approve of his 'virtually' knowing someone. It takes 2 minutes face to face to get someone, and you'll know a lot more that way than from 264 status updates. Anyone can be a Richard Gere lookalike, or Catherine Zeta Jones, and have treasures beyond description. Of course, it ain't easy meeting people today when we're at work most of the time, and shopping the rest. But the math still applies - there has to be some reason, maybe even a good one, that you're Stunningandsexy@46 ---> and still single.

I'm going on two dates this week. One with someone - a doctor - I was introduced to by a friend [the friend I actually met via this blog, go figure], and another, someone who approached me on SAMatch. So I guess we'll see. Looking for love online is maybe one alternative, it's perhaps a start, but the meat of the story comes from actually meeting human beings in real life. I know I've been somewhat reluctant to do that. Laziness, fear, some or other distraction, or being in a perpetually 'It's complicated/I'm semi-sorta taken' situation.

I think our attitudes to love say a lot about our attitudes to life. Do we make excuses, do we learn from the past, are we open to possibility but nevertheless cautioned and wizened - without a surfeit of issues and checkpoints - from experience?

Side Issue

Now only something completely different. In South Africa, our public transport is a mess. It's fair to say we don't really have public transport in a meaningful capacity. We do have minibus taxis, and new laws for a demerit system are likely to sting this industry of habitual traffic law breakers especially painfully.

Death traps - ‘Mobile coffins’ claim 36 lives in three months
Two hurt after BRT passengers are shot

What beggars belief is our shambolic public transport actually gets an upgrade, and what happens, the buses have to be escorted under armed guard. Excessive you may think, except from day 1 a driver and passengers come under fire in Soweto.

You may say, it beggars belief, but the ANC before it came to power, figured out that when you can't get what you want, create disorder, make the country ungovernable. It worked. But it also taught millions of citizens that violence is justified if your personal requirements [whatever they are] aren't met. So it's not entirely unexpected. It obviously serves very few interests, this sort of behaviour, because public transport is in the national interest. So quite an ironic lesson from groups who were called to militate against minority interests.

And of course, it's not over. As the recession continues, and jobs are lost, the inevitable result - more crime. People may mock the chap seeking asylum in Canada. Frankly, I wouldn't mind swapping places. As long as there is a recession, things can only get worse crime-wise in this country.

Cops 10 ... Robbers 0 in mall shootouts

And finally...

Since this column is about being cool by the pool...on Saturday I somehow found myself doing a 1 mile swim in the chilly and choppy waters off Llandudno. The background to this story is that in 1990 - jeepers - 19 years ago, I almost visited Davy Jones locker - the famous Barker Rock mile swim in Clifton, which I did wetsuitlessand caplessand breakfastless. I didn't think I'd be risking my neck in these waters again, but when I was told it was 15 degrees [almost double what it was that boxing day, almost 2 decades ere]I leaped at the chance.
It meant running up the steep slopes to the car and back down, but it was an exhilarating swim.

I felt an extraordinary confidence from that. In stark contrast to the day before, where I felt cold and extremely vulnerable in the dark green waters of shark infested False Bay [trying to get closer to a Southern Right Whale]Llandudno was clear and festooned with yellow and red human rescue craft. The confidence though, came from willy nilly entering the sea, on the occasional 10 minute swim in the gym, and doing a mile in that cold sucker. Sometimes, we are stronger and better than we think. And that, on occasion, can give pause...to celebrate.