Are you living with a perfectionist

by Michael Grose

Many children are afflicted by the curse of perfectionism. It may seem strange to say it but children need to make more mistakes. We should encourage our kids to make more errors, spell more words incorrectly, get more sums wrong, make a mess sometimes when they write, break a dish or two as they unpack the dishwasher, set the table with the knife and fork upside down, leave marks on the floor when they wipe up the mess or forget to feed the cat once in while. Children benefit from being released from the pressure of have to do well all the time. When children learn that mistakes are quite acceptable they are more likely to stretch themselves and try new areas of endeavour or use their own initiative and not worry if they mess up.

Perfectionism is a modern curse in many of our schools. It is not lack of ability, opportunity, timidity or even laziness that holds many kids back. Rather it is a deep-seated unwillingness to expose themselves as temporary failures while they learn that stops many children from really achieving their full potential. This fear of failure is strongest amongst first borns, our most prolific population cohort, so it is little wonder that perfectionism is one our greatest problems in Australian schools.

The curse of perfectionism means that some children will only star or achieve in areas where they are certain of success. So they tend to narrow their options by sticking to the safest path. It is little wonder that this group tend to be less innovative and adventurous than later born children. The road to innovation and adventure is also littered with uncertainty, which increases the likelihood of making errors.

Perfectionists are hard to live with. They make demanding partners and anxious children. They can be critical of those around them just as they are highly critical of themselves. Their attention to detail can be infuriating. Their inflexibility can be enraging particularly if you are an easy-going second or middle child. Perfectionists usually want to be better than anyone else. You can pick a perfectionist at 1,000 metres.

Perfectionists plan everything. They won't go on a family picnic unless the route is known beforehand, the estimated time of arrival is decided upon and the weather is checked days out. Perfectionists like to be in control so they don't leave things to chance.

Perfectionists are neurotic about order. Tidy desks, shoes neatly arranged in wardrobes and neatly stacked food shelves are de rigeur for perfectionists.

Perfectionists are critical of themselves and others. If a perfectionist paints a room he will focus on the inevitable thin spot rather than celebrate a job very well done. Subsequently they don�t enjoy success.

Perfectionists hate to leave jobs half done. They will stay at work until a task is completed.

Perfectionists procrastinate. Many perfectionists put off starting projects because they doubt if they can do them perfectly.
Procrastination is not just a great stalling tactic, it is a protective strategy. They wait until conditions are perfect to start a job. The trouble is the time is never perfect so they never start.

Perfectionists don�t like to delegate. No one but no one can do a job as well as they can so they tend to take on far too much and they don�t trust anyone to do a task as well as they can.

Perfectionists apologise a lot. They will always find an excuse such as there is not enough time or money to do the job that they would like.
Perfectionists always believe that they can do better or try harder.

Perfectionists don�t expect success. They are generally pessimistic and look for reasons not to do things rather than reasons to try things.
Their expectations become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Perfectionists are governed by absolutes. They see the world as black and white and have strong opinions about what people should and should not do.

How to help perfectionists?

I agree with Kevin Leman the author The New Birth Order Book who claims that perfectionists need to learn to be satisfied with excellence, rather than perfectionism. Now excellence is pretty good. I am, not suggesting that they should always settle for second best efforts. They need to lower the bar a little and be more realistic about what they can achieve.

Help perfectionists understand that they don�t have to do everything perfectly. There are few margins for error in some circumstances. I expect condom-makers and parachute-makers to do a perfect job! But not every task requires perfection. Sometimes near enough is good enough, particularly if you are trying new endeavours. Learning to spell, writing a story, painting a house, cooking a meal or playing a game of golf have healthy margins for error. The trouble with some children and
adults is that they believe that they only count in the eyes of others when they are perfect, look perfect or can do the perfect job. These people need to learn that doing a good enough job is acceptable much of the time.

Note: I come from a family of perfectionists, and when I was still in High School, I began to dismantle my own excessive demands (of myself and others). I have only had partial success.
There are more ways to help perfectionists. Help them cultivate a sense of humor, a sense of fun. The surest route to perfectionism (and misery) is to take a deadly serious atttitude into every situation.
The other thing is to support and encourage a sometimes self deprecating view, not of a specific individual, but of different individuals at different times, just to keep things balanced and enjoyable. This should be done in a spirit of friendship and lightheartedness, not in a spirit of criticism or manipulation.
And one more thing. If someone is being unnecessarily pedantic about something, specifically say, "Stop being such a perfectionist. You're making yourself and those around you miserable."