What happens when Nice Guys reform themselves…
Bad Ass is the road Nice Guys who’ve finished last choose to take once they’ve dusted themselves off. Question is, do they graduate to the low road, the medium road, or the high road?
Alvy Singer (Woody Allan): Hey listen, gimme a kiss.
Annie Hall (Diane Keaton): Really?
Alvy Singer: Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right, and then there's gonna be all that tension, we've never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. We'll digest our food better.
That’s the Woody Allan version of being a badass. Take it from me, Woody gets laid a lot. Woody of course couches the badass stuff in a seemingly weakassed approach, but that’s how he left foots his prey. It’s intellectual sex followed by the real thing.
Guys are very conscious that by approaching a woman in the first place, they may be seen to be ‘conceding’ power, and power for guys is paramount. One way we offset the Nice Guy Power Shed is by introducing our power negatively. So we might say, “Those shoes look great; it’s just a pity about the color.” Power distribution is important to keep a relationship healthy. And power distribution always starts by knowing what we want. Do we want a series of shallow encounters, or something halfway serious, or the big tomalley: a serious relationship?
And within these commitment dynamics, are other dynamics. Let me explain. For me, I prefer a relationship where the girl loves me more than I love her. It’s the best way for me to more easily maintain the power dynamic in the relationship. And power is real. Guys want it, and girls want guys to have it. Most guys who were once ‘Nice Guys’ have learnt this lesson.
The converse is of course the guy who gushes, who can’t wait to give his power away. Needy is a turnoff and Needy begets needy. I’ve been there and it’s not pretty. In its worst form it becomes attraction to flawed individuals to give ourselves a better chance, and better control. So if you're Woody Allen, be Woody Allen. If you're Vin Diesel, be Vin Diesel. What doesn’t work is Woody trying to be Vin, me trying to be someone I’m not. It’s simple: When I want to hook up I’m not afraid to go for it, I say what I want, and I rarely get rejected.
Trouble is, it’s easier to win women over with manipulative behaviour that amounts to deceit and callousness. It’s because women are attracted to men who are socially talented, men who know who they are, and know what they want. It’s a confidence thing. In some ways women encourage deceit by seeking a strong independent man who isn’t fawning over her constantly. Men aren’t always that, and don’t always want to be that, but they’re clear that that’s what women want. I’ve gone through phases – most men have – where I’ve had to learn to pay less attention to someone I’m attracted to, and I did this by paying attention to other women, first by flirting then by actively ‘playing the field’. It’s scary how the narcissism of being involved in several relationships simultaneously can provide women with the amount of attention from a man that they need, but at the same time, the man, seeing several women, also gets the sort of attention he wants. But this is where badassed behaviour backfires. Even if I am practising George Clooney styled serial monogamy (rather than cheating), once I get the girl I want, it’s still hard to be happy, it’s hard to turn down those opportunities that drift into view…and when the time comes for commitment it is especially hard to put those ‘bad habits’ to bed, so to speak.
I’m not alone in gauging how bad assed is bad assed enough. I recently had breakfast with two hunky friends, PJ a wealthy, well-groomed lawyer and Mike, a handsome engineer and guitarist, both professional lady’s men. While chatting to them on a Sunday in Rosebank over steaming bacon, eggs and toast I had something of an epiphany. The conversation started off as typical male posturing: congratulatory tales of conquest, occasionally pointing out hot babes sauntering by our table, but then I discovered our rapacious appetites for seduction have a common thread. Both PJ and Mike had been the original Nice Guys, idolising their wives, gushing with compliments, both paid painful prices in their marriages for being such doting husbands. Their wives first walked all over them, then dumped them. Mike says, “If I knew then, what I know now, I would still be married.” PJ, mouth full, waves his knife: him too. I’d also fallen heavily, deeply in love with a girlfriend once upon a time, and likewise, my scars ran deep.
I say, “So we’ve fallen off the horse called Big Love, we’ve been riding out the bruises on a few donkeys ever since. Now isn’t the lesson here to apply what we’ve learnt since then and try again, get back on the horse?” PJ says it isn’t worth the risk, that ‘You can control everything, but you can’t control someone else’s emotions’. Duh! PJ’s response to his Nice Guy phase is that he now refuses to give up his power; he’s a control freak. Mike has gone further, but not much: he has one foot in a relationship, but is finding it hard to commit.
Between the three of us, we represent the three levels of bad ass. We’ve dusted ourselves off and found a new road for ourselves. For PJ it is the low road: swearing off long term relationships altogether. For Mike it is a mixture of freedom and commitment, and for me (granted I never crashed and burned in a marriage), it is being who I am in a committed relationship. I’ve discovered that the most bad assed I can be, is by being myself, without all the issues and crap my parents taught me, just me loving the way I am meant to love. There is nothing more liberating than being utterly oneself, and finding that someone loves me completely for that. That my attentions are enough, and so are hers, and that both people being genuine provides enough sexual fire and fun and excitement. Love, real love, is a bad assed bucking bronco sometimes, it’s the ride of a lifetime, and always worth the risk.
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