The Aussie and the Afrikaner [JOKE]

Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: "That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped."
The Aussie is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and moer that Aussie again!"

Mugabe Wins Another Term In Shock Victory

In a victory that has caught the international press by surprise, President Mugabe has won another term by a landslide victory. Zanu-PF mananged a comfortable 62% of the vote. Officials - wha? Huh? What do you mean we can only release this after the vote?

Now for the funnies...

A man is caught in a traffic jam when suddenly, someone taps on the window of his car. He lowers the window and asks what he wants.

The other man says, "President Mugabe was kidnapped and the ransom is $50 million dollars. If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the President with gasoline and set him on fire. We are taking up a collection. Do you wish to participate?"

The man in the car asks, "On average, what are people donating?"

The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 liters".

Local is sometimes not so lekker

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well ,devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million dollars"
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars"
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Zim too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody".....
He called Zim and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??"
The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local".

And now this is scary.

Lower Than Snakeshit At the Bottom of the Sea

Is jy ‘n Scaverratch of ‘n Maplotter?

Remember Tant Stienie from Kooperasie Stories? She always spoke about Scaverratches, but that might have been in Agter Elke Man. These are (usually) really low class whites – whites who drink out their wages, kick the dog and don’t have the guts to beat up on another man. They’re in and out of prison, always up so some scheme. They have sex with their own kids (or someone elses), beat up their wives – oh, did I already say that…well, maybe because they do this a LOT…sien hulle target nie mense van hulle eie size nie; hulle kan nie eers ordentlik met hulle Ma’s praat nie.

Die problem met hulle is hulle het geen selfvertroue nie. ‘n Scaverratch is laer as slangkak op die seebodem.

‘n Koelak is iemand wat common is. Hulle word ook maplotters genoem. Hulle’t geen smaak nie. Dis dalk ‘n vrou wat aan elke ring ‘n vinger dra. Vra bietjie vir Korne en Twakkie. Dis ook in die plat manier hoe hierdie mense praat.

Dan is daar die ander mense…moeiliker om te definieer. Hulle leef in ‘n fantasie wereld. Hulle vergeet wat hulle al gese het, dan lieg hulle hulself vas. Dis gewoonlik iemand wat ander die heeltyd probeer beindruk…nie in die afshow sin, meer iemand wat once upon a time baie arm was en nou wil wys hulle weet wat aangaan.

Ongelukkig is hierdie mense nogsteeds dom, jy kan die plaas nie uit hulle kry nie. Hulle is soos visse. ‘n Vis sal aan een kant van ‘n tenk sit en kyk en sodra hy wegswem vergeet hy dat hy daar was.

So moenie laat die gras onder jou voete groei nie. Wie jy ookal is, accept it. Of is jy gou by die bak maar lui by die vak? Die koel is deur die kerk my tjom, en jy gaan Jan tuisbly se karretjie wees as jy nie nou – met al die shit wat in die wereld aangaan – skouer aan die wiel sit.