Natalie: Are you ready?
Augusten Burroughs: For what?
Natalie: To play "Doctor."
Dr. Finch: That's right, Neil. Blame your father for your inability to focus. Direct all of that rage at me if it makes you feel better.
Neil Bookman: I can't focus because of the voices! I see you for what you are. Yeah. The camera never lies. No! My parents have given you thousands of dollars and I'm still sick! You have to help me get better! You know what I do! You have to help me get better!
Dr. Finch: You're right, Neil. You're right. I've done nothing, apparently. I've never pulled any strings, gotten you a scholarship to the University of Rochester to pursue your photographic interests. Absolutely nothing.
Neil Bookman: You just wanted to get rid of me. Why won't you let me live in this house and be a part of this family? D
r. Finch: Because I am the patriarch! And when the patriarch says jump, you jump, goddamnit! You don't co-operate, Neil, and for that, you're punished!
Neil Bookman: That's not why you won't let me live in this house. You won't let me because you're afraid of me, aren't you? Of what I could do to you in the middle of the night while you're sleeping. Huh? You're afraid of me. Aren't you, Doctor?
Dr. Finch: Our time is up, Neil. I believe we've made a breakthrough today.
Hope: You know Natalie, youre so oral, you'll never get to anal
Natalie: And youll never get a dick in your dried up cunt, you old maid!
Augusten Burroughs: According to Hope, Froyd died of kitty Lukemia. According to me Froyd died of being trapped in a laundry basket for four days without food or water
Deirdre Burroughs: Augusten. Don't smoke my cigarettes. You have a pack of your own.
Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: I polish my allowance. I boil it clean, then polish it with silver polish.
Norman Burroughs: But why, Augusten? Why?
Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: Because I like shiny things.
Norman Burroughs: I really don't see myself in you at all.
Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: I'm more like my mom. I want to be special and I want to be famous.
Neil Bookman: I think he's a genius. Like when I was your age, and I'd have a rage seizure, he'd put on music to lower my blood pressure. Nat King Cole. "Stardust." Revolutionary sort of stuff, you know? Worked everytime. If he hadn't adopted me... shit, I don't know what I would've done.
Norman Burroughs: Is he an MD doctor?
Deirdre Burroughs: Yes. And as I've told you a hundred times, he got his MD at Yale.
Norman Burroughs: You heard about this guy from where?
Deirdre Burroughs: Doctor Newpall. Augusten's allergist. If you were more of a man and involved in your son's life, you'd know who that was. I smell manure.
Norman Burroughs: I don't smell anything.
Deirdre Burroughs: I do, I smell manure. It's coming out of your ears.
Norman Burroughs: Fucking bitch.
Dr. Finch: In order to reach that conclusion, Norman, I would need to see both you and Deirdre on a regular and disciplined basis, for five hours a day.
Deirdre Burroughs: I'm available, Doctor Finch.
Norman Burroughs: Five hoursa day?! I can't do that! I have to work!
Deirdre Burroughs: See, Doctor Finch, I told you. I'm married to a narcissist.
Dr. Finch: Norman, if I'm willing to clear my schedule to save your marriage, but you're not... then get out! Leave this office, go home, and start dividing your books and your record albums.
Norman Burroughs: This is bullshit. This is really fucking bullshit. [Doctor Finch begins writing in his notebook.]
Norman Burroughs: What're you writing?
Dr. Finch: "Norman Burroughs is homicidal. He is an unapologetic alcoholic. He is dangerous and a threat to himself, his wife, and his child."
Neil Bookman: Holy Mary, Mother Of God. So that's what this is about. You're gay?
Augusten Burroughs: Yeah. I thought Natalie had told you.
Neil Bookman: Small world, right? You and me. Crazy. Smoke? Here, let me light you. Want a ride home?
Augusten Burroughs: Please.
Neil Bookman: I won't go fast. Maybe. [Cut to Augusten and Neil in bed.]
Augusten Burroughs: What just happened?
Neil Bookman: You think you're gay, right? That's what gay men do. Just wanted you to know what you're in for. Want a beer? Smoke?
Augusten Burroughs: Yeah. Sure. Well, thanks for everything.
Neil Bookman: Thank you. Thank YOU for everything.
Dr. Finch: Where would we be without our painful childhoods?
Dr. Finch: Well, the only loophole or way I could see me getting you out of school for any considerable length of time would be for you... to commit suicide.
Augusten Burroughs: You want me to kill myself?
Dr. Finch: Well, if you tried to kill yourself, I could explain to the schoolboard that you were psychologically unfit to attend, and that you needed intensive treatment. It would a staged suicide attempt. Of course, your poor mother would have to find you and drive you the hospital, where you would stay for three weeks or a month for observation.
Augusten Burroughs: I don't know. It doesn't... Dr. Finch: Augusten. Where is your spirit of adventure?
Dr. Finch: Well, the only loophole or way I could see me getting you out of school for any considerable length of time would be for you... to commit suicide.
Dr. Finch: Well, the only loophole or way I could see me getting you out of school for any considerable length of time would be for you... to commit suicide.
Burroughs: I don't know. It doesn't...
Dr. Finch: Augusten. Where is your spirit of adventure?
Natalie: I've never heard of him.
Augusten Burroughs: Tell me who he is. Tell me who he is.
Natalie: Shut up.
Augusten Burroughs: It kills you, doesn't it?
Natalie: Shut up.
Augusten Burroughs: Let it out!
Natalie: Shut up!
Augusten Burroughs: Tell me who he is, Natalie!
Natalie: Shut up!
Augusten Burroughs: Tell me so I don't feel so alone!
Natalie: HE WAS THE ONLY ONE I EVER LOVED AND HE DOESN'T WANT ME ANYMORE! DO YOU FEEL BETTER?!
Augusten Burroughs: A little bit. How'd you meet him?
Natalie: Terrence started seeing my dad after his mom died. She left him everything. He was 41 when I was 13. He told me I was pretty. And he made me believe it. One day, he broke my collar bone, and I had to hitch-hike to the emergency room, and I passed out on the side of the road, and somebody found me. My dad told him that he'd press charges and that he'd go to jail unless he donated money to my college fund. Then he did. $75, 000.
Augusten Burroughs: That's so great. So if you'd just apply--
Natalie: My dad spent it. Every penny. So that the IRS wouldn't take this house. So... I do know what it's like, Augusten... to love somebody who doesn't deserve it. 'Cause they're all you have. God, I hate my life.
Augusten Burroughs: I hate this kitchen. I need high ceilings.
Natalie: Me too.
Augusten Burroughs: Let's get rid of it then. Let's take down the ceiling.
Neil Bookman: "The Angry Nun" by Neil Bookman: "Bitch! Whore of Jesus! Dressed in black, you do not bleed, like a woman should bleed between the legs! But with your ruler, your crucifix of hatred, you strike my tender flesh! I bleed for you! Oh, mother." And then I-I ran out of ink.
Deirdre Burroughs: Good anger! It ended exactly at the right moment.
Agnes Finch: What're you looking at?
Natalie: Dad's morning shit.
Dr. Finch: See? See how the duplicoil is breaking out of the surface of the water? Holy Father. Agnes Finch: Doctor, let me draw you a nice bath.
Dr. Finch: Agnes, go get a shoehorn. A shoehorn, Agnes.
Hope: But what does it mean, Dad?
Dr. Finch: It means our financial situation is turning around. It means things are looking upward. Literally, the shit is pointing out of the pot! Towards Heaven, to God. My turd is a direct communication from the Holy Father. [Augusten and Natalie try to hide their laughter.]
Dr. Finch: No, no, no, no, children. No. Laugh. Laugh! God is... He is the funniest man in the universe. Agnes, I want you to carefully remove this, take it outside, and let it dry in the sun. We're starting a shrine, Agnes. A shrine. Hope, let's prepare.
Augusten Burroughs: I haven't had a choice!
Deirdre Burroughs: You did when you wrote this, didn't you?
Augusten Burroughs: You read my journal?
Deirdre Burroughs: Don't try and compete with me, Augusten. If you move back in with me, I won't allow it. You'll only get hurt. When I become a very famous woman, they'll write that I had a son who was a writer too, who doesn't compare to my brilliance. I want more for you than that.
Augusten Burroughs: Did you mix your pills again?
Dr. Finch: [Finch wakes up and sees Neil standing over him with a knife.] Neil? What're you doing, son?
Dr. Finch: [Finch wakes up and sees Neil standing over him with a knife.] Neil? What're you doing, son?
Neil Bookman: SHUT UP! I'm not your son!
Natalie: What the hell is going on?
Dr. Finch: It's all right. [Neil drops the knife and walks away crying.]
Augusten Burroughs: Don't try to stop me, Agnes. I'm going. I'm going to miss you.
Agnes Finch: I'll miss you, too. You're a... the best son a mom could ever want. You need to know that. [She hands him a small box filled with money.]
Augusten Burroughs: Oh, my God. Agnes, there's--there's a lot of money here.
Agnes Finch: A penny here, a dime there. It adds up. The Doctor doesn't know I have it, of course. No one does. You know, this morning, the IRS came again. And I almost gave it to them. Then I though, "No. For once in my life, I'm going to invest wisely." When you write a book, you send me a copy. Goodbye, my sweet boy.
Augusten Burroughs: Agnes. What're you gonna do now?
Agnes Finch: I don't know. Maybe I'll take down the Christmas tree.
Dr. Finch: You can't come in here, this is my mastabatorium!
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