AUDACITY, why TF did we even write it?

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Excerpt from AUDACITY... What was Jodi thinking on that Wednesday in early June, in Mesa, Arizona?

Mesa Arizona - June 4, 2008

“I have no reason to hold anything back at this point, nor do I want to go to my grave having withheld anything that might help you piece some things together.  It’s no longer about me and the things I don’t want you all to know.  You deserve to know.” – Jodi’s letter to the Alexander family, July 28, 2008

It's 4am. Tired after the long drive Jodi pulls onto Travis’ street under the cover of night.  She parks in the driveway and grabs a small overnight bag.  The rear number plate of her hired car is upside down. The front plate is missing entirely. She kills the lights, and the dark haired huntress walks to the front door. The man inside the house is watching a Daft Punk video on his computer in his office.  He knows Jodi is coming.  She’ll stay a few hours, they’ll have some fun and then she’ll be off to Utah.

Travis answers the door and Naps rushes out. The dog is a handy distraction from the tension that’s been brewing between Jodi and Travis the last few weeks.  Jodi greets Naps and then quickly hugs Travis and kisses him on his neck.

“Hey, aren’t you gonna kiss me?” she says.

He kisses her on the mouth.

“Can I help you with your bag?”

“No, that’s OK,” Jodi says sweetly.

“When I think of our relationship and the way things were, my heart begins to ache all over again.  I miss those wonderful times. Why did it happen this way?”

“You’re probably wasted from driving all night.  I know I’m wasted from stayin’up all night waiting for you,” he says, walking ahead of her.

“He makes me sad and miserable.”

As she walks behind him, watching him move up the stairs, Jodi wonders: Is this guy single, successful and spiritual? Or is this a phoney bullshitter who sells legal services to people who can’t afford lawyers? He can’t even afford to hold onto his own car. He’s a demon who preys on the weak. And demons must be destroyed…

“The last few days I’ve only felt bitter resentment toward him between the indifference and the pain.”

He loved Prepaid Legal because it was going to help him fulfill his dreams (except that wasn’t true).  Prepaid had sucked up her time, and gave nothing back, just as Travis sucked up her time, and what did she have to show for it?  10 years after dropping out of school, what did she have to show for it?

“I’m tired of disappointment. I’m so ready to live a full life.”

Travis has it all, of course. He’s found his home, he’s on the verge of a happily ever after, and Jodi wants it too.  It’s a life she’s been working towards, waiting on, for ten years.  And she found it with Travis, but then lost it.  Because he treated her like a doormat and then when he got what he wanted, he’d thrown it away. He’d thrown her away. He treated women like garbage for his own pleasure. He wanted them whenever it suited him, and once he’d gotten his fill, cast them aside. Like garbage.

“Remember that your thoughts are the primary cause of everything.” ― Rhonda Byrne, The Secret

“Poor guy. It must be difficult to have to juggle all of those different girls, keeping one separate from another.”

Travis.  Dear Travis.  My darling, two-timing bullshitter.  A pervert.  One thing to the world, another thing to me.  I’m his dirty little secret, and what is he to me?  My curse.  My burden.

The resentment stews in her belly so strongly now it burns.  She can almost taste the bile in her mouth.

Travis is saying something to her, but she can’t hear.

“Oh, my hair,” she giggles, “yeah, I thought you’d like it.  I did it for you.”

“Why don’t you put it in braids for me and then I’ll bend you over and give your ass a good pounding.” 

“Let’s sleep first, I’m tired. Aren’t you tired?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty beat.  Did you get the KY?”

Jodi holds it out to him.

“That’s my naughty little schoolgirl.”

In bed, the murderess lays beside him silently, pretending she’s asleep.

“Sometimes I feel so broken that I can’t even cry.  Other times I feel so broken that all I can do is cry.”

Travis’ bed is soft and comfortable.  This would have been her bed, her home, if he wasn’t such a hypocrite. Hell, a few months ago this was her home.

I go from one end of the spectrum, where I feel afraid, to the other, where a tremendous peace comes over me…

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WTF is AUDACITY? Well, it's this...

#JodiArias Juan quotes pic.twitter.com/yzOFijNecE

— Becky (@Dat_Gurl_Bec) February 2, 2015

#JodiArias Juan quotes pic.twitter.com/vkpvyAsOLT

— Becky (@Dat_Gurl_Bec) February 2, 2015

#JodiArias during the sentencing phase of her retrial Monday morning. pic.twitter.com/4kd59r0Dx3

— Mark Henle (@HenleMark) February 2, 2015