Nick van der Leek: "One of the most difficult cases..."

This morning I went to a dentist in Norwood. I was dressed like a 'scaverratch' (as my girlfriend would say), because I had to be up at the crack to drop her off. I sommer went directly to the dentist from there, dressed in tracksuit pants and a gray top which has seen better days. The dentist spent extra time quizzing me about my job (probably to make sure I had one).

Once prostrate (can you be prostrate on your back...or is that backstrate, or lactate?) he began to inform me that I was possibly one of the most difficult cases he had ever come across. He said my lower jaw teeth sank virtually completely behind the upper's jaws teeth, something he had last seen in Bart Simpson when he's worked in a small American dorpie (Springfield I think). Anyway. He says the last time he saw teeth grinded down to the extent mine are was from a chap who works in Sudan clearing landmines. No exaggeration.

Now, I have to admit, I have been stressed by Rotten Editors in particular. I have added two to my lifetime ban list, one for doing a vip, and then flipping around and citing my bad attitude, and the other for making frankly untrue statements whilst otherwise stringing me along nicely.
So based on just those two experiences I have had sky-high stress. Anyone else would do when so much work has been committed to an enterprise that was doomed from the start, and unfortunately thanks to the 'stringing along' process, the stress gets extended over a period of time. To give you an idea of what I am talking about, imagine working all weekend (yes, in your free time, time meant to be relaxing and recharging) and when you're done, just as you're about to say it, the power goes off. When you go back to check and your computer asks if you want the version it saved and you mistakenly hit 'no'. It's that level of frustration, except when there are people involved you think you might be able to plead to their humanity.

The dentist suggested a couple of treatments, one which he said would involve successive courses of surgery and orthodontics, and would cost, he said, in the order of R200 000. I told him that I am now 36 years old. During my high school years, all of them, I had to wear an external brace, a plate, and railway tracks. 18 years later I still have dreams that I'm wearing my external brace, or I've misplaced it.

I told the doctor that I have Dutch blood and British blood, hence the perfect DNA portfolio for a mouthful of teeth arguing for space (and to be heard). Even having extracted all my wisdom teeth, the dentist said there was very little room to move. After all these years being called a big mouth, it turns out I'm not. But the shape of my mouth, I have this on good authority, is great for kissing.

What's my (your) worst fear?

Dentists don't scare me. I've been through plenty of bent needles stabbed into the bone of my palate, I've had my gums ripped by an Air Force dentist (without anaesthetic). I've experienced part of my gum being surgically burnt away, or sliced away as part of the sideshow of a Nut Job that had me wearing external braces for half a decade. Am I scared of dentists? No, I just hate them. I single handedly probably provided the income for at least 3 skiing trips to Courcheval.

I'm not particularly scared of spiders or injections. I was once really icky about injections, but since the need for Easy Money in the university days proved a paramount priority, I subjected myself to the whole gamut of medical trials, including those that stab your arm on an hourly basis. A nurse once clumsily dropped a needle already in my arm, quickly re-stabbed, giving me an arm ache that lasted the rest of the day. And in the air force a medic bent a needle while in my arm - I was partly at fault, I didn't feel it go in, and being in a queue, stepped forward. Lucky it didn't break inside the tissue. And in Edinburgh I had a tarantula walk over my hand. It's feet feel like cotton buds, quite heavy too. Hey - especially regarding injections - I don't LIKE it, I'm just saying: been there done that.

Meanwhile, what really scares me is - get this - airports. Almost every time I visit the airport it is an extremely stressful or otherwise (sometimes retrospectively) unpleasant experience. Part of the pain associated with airports is the nightmares I have afterwards. It's not so much bad stuff that happens, but the THREAT of shit happening.

1) Arriving for an international flight at Incheon airport with 30 minutes to spare. I left my apartment with plenty of time but got stuck in a 3 hour traffic jam.
2) Giving away all my pesos at Manila airport only to find out I needed 200 for stamp duty. A Korean stepped forward at the last moment (my name had been called about 5 times at this point on the PA system).
3) Arriving at an airport with no one to meet you, or the person who does meet you calls you to break up with you the minute you arrive home (from a trip that starts in Edinburgh and ends in Bloemfontein).

The reason why airports are so stressful, is they do sometimes represent that essential point from which a new life begins or ends. If you miss especially a long haul overseas flight it can mean plenty of Moolah down the drain. Even on my very last flight (earlier this month) I left with plenty of time to spare, got stuck in the innards of the airports parking mechanism, and then an endless queue, and finally made it to the check-in desk 2 minutes late (28 minutes to take-off, check in closes 30 minutes from takeoff).

At check in the woman told me my seat had been de-allocated, but they would try to re-allocate it. Yes, I got on board, but the stress involved was, well, gargantuan.

So what's YOUR worst fear?