DIY Pain And Suffering

story by Allan Muir

The tale you are about to hear is competely true and unfabricated, and occured yesterday, on the fateful eve of 17th Jan, 2006. Any resemblance to characters, fictitious, fake, non-existent or in comedy sitcoms is purely coincidental . . . I think [casts a suspicious look at his subconscious mind]

Ok, visualise Matthew Perry screwing up clumsily in something like the Whole Nine Yards, and then just making things worse . . .

I wanted to paint some benches last night, but I also wanted to watch the next episode Corne & Twakkie's "The Most Amazing Show" on SABC 2 @ 10. (highly recommended for those with a love for cult status humour). So at 9, I finally got my act together, and feeling a little rushed, picked up the little tub with turps, old white paint and three brushes and strode out into the night, to rinse them under a tap before getting started. It's a little tub, so halfway there I managed to spill a little onto the brick paving outside. So, determined not to spill anymore, I held it more carefully and walked a little faster, stepped down an invisible step in the dark, stubbed my little toe against an accompanying brick, and then fell down the next (invisible) step, spilling everything on the bricks just before the tap.

Now I'm feeling a little upset, but fortunately the hosepipe is there, so I immediately rinse it all off (mostly turps anyway), rinse the brushes and head back for the house with a sore toe. Inside, I pour some paint in the tub, and start painting with the roller, which unfortunately hasn't released it's full load of turps yet, and so I have paint & turps running all over the bench. Now I'm rather irritated, so I wipe it off, and head back for the tap in the dark, walking a little more carefully than the first time. I get there, pour the excess turps off, squeeze the brushes and rollers properly, and head back.

Now I'm muttering under my breath and keeping a warning eye on the remaining paint, when WHAMMMM!!!!!!! Something smashes into my face! Whaddayaknow? It's the closed half of the glass sliding door . . . Now I'm clutching a very numb nose, hoping it's not broken - there's paint on me, the window and the bricks, with paintbrushes lying everywhere, and I step away from it all to the accompinament of barking dogs from next door, and back quite hard into a large hanging plant, which then swings back and punches me good-humouredly on the shoulder for good measure.

Right!! One hand on my bleeding nose, the other clutching a turps-soaked rag trying to get the paint off the window (with much success), and the bricks (with very little). Ok, the bricks - I get some turps, another rag, and start wiping and rinsing the bricks with the hose, only to look up and realise that all of this is running off straight into the Koi pond! And there is at this stage a very visible slick across the surface! NOOO!!!! And this on the same day as I was discussing with the Landlord, how we could get rid of the Koi, and convert it back into a swimming pool! (I did use the phrase "find a buyer", but if he comes round to 30 fish belly up and a lovely turpsy paint slick across the top, I don't think Eddie Murphy could even talk his way out of that one - hey don't mention Murphy now, he has laws).

Anyway, fortunately the paint's not waterbased, so it's floating nicely on the top, so as long as I can get it all off, there shouldn't be a problem. But now I'm a little panicked. I have no more rags, so it's upstairs to go through old clothes destined for St Luke's Hospice. 5 minutes later sees me standing over the Koi Pond, sore nose forgotten, with a broomstick in one hand, a mop handle in the other, and a small t-shirt suspended between the two ends, looking like a little boy taking unorthodox swimming lessons. So I'm sweeping the slick to one corner where I can get it all out - It takes me about 10 minutes and I get it right, with fortunately no sign of frantic fish, all this while the rest of the paint on the bricks seems to be settling in for the night.

OK so now back to the bricks and the benches. I clean the bricks as best I can, start painting the benches, fairly uneventfully, finish the painting, clean up, take stock of the casualties (14 paving bricks, half a paint tin, half a liter of turps, one pair of shorts, two t-shirts, one small towel, a broom, a mop, one roll of paper towels, one small toe, one big nose, and a very bruised ego), and settle down on the couch, just in time to catch the last of the news before the show. And of course the main story on the news is about how the rains have washed all sorts of crap into the Vaal River, and all the fish are dying and floating belly up everywhere, including quite a few of the rarer species!!

Nice one, Murphy!!

Next time I'll settle for PAST DIY (Pay Another Sod To DIY)